This morning I went out to have a change of scenery, monday and wednesday are my antique searching days. I would have gone out anyway just to remove myself from the premises for awhile. Hunting for treasures always lift my spirits, I don't find much, the hunt and search puts me in a good frame of mind. It's my therapy and path to expectation that isn't lowered because I fail to find anything, expectation is for the hunt.
Something strange happened when I was in one of my favorite spots prowling around. I felt panicked and uneasy, sick to my stomach, even a little faint. I asked myself what was going on? I said don't let those incidents get the best of you. My neighbor's annoyances had to be the reason for that dizzy episode. Thoughts of them remained on my mind despite my efforts to enjoy my time away from home.
I told myself to straigthen up, don't let this defeat you. Those people are going on with their lives, feeling good about themselves without a decent care in the world. I went to the restroom to collect myself. I was angry about the way I felt, I was letting them get to me and interfere with my peace of mind. I said never let them see you weak, they will never see me weak. I refused to let a tear wet the tip of my lashes in reaction to frustration.
I began to repeat, I'm a strong child of God, no weapon formed against me shall
prosper. The words were strenghtening. I felt better, I continued to enjoy my outing.
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4:34 p.m.
I've been contemplating about the threat of a breakdown suddenly looming over me. Maybe it was due to a restless night. I tossed and turned for hours without getting much sleep, then I went out on a very hot day without eating breakfast. It couldn't have been about certain people childlike behavior. I was tired and fatique, I wanted to get away, I ignored my condition.
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My Greivance Analysis
My greivance isn't about their behavior, I need to examine my mental stability and reactive response. I never want to be unlearned and unaware of personal self. I emcompass my life, situations will confront my life. I need to know that I'm rising above acceptance of environment. I intend to cross many bridges until I find the one that leads me out. I will get out, I'm not resolved to accept this fate as my final destiny.
I wasn't raised in this type of environment, my mother spent her teen years in New York, she was prim and proper. She despised the inaccuracy of our speech, and tried, although in vain, to teach us some of her more elegant ways. We weren't middle class, we were poor and didn't know it, however the neighborhood was embedded with decent and repectable people. The neighborhood was a village raising everyone's child. A bad kid couldn't get far, because everyone knew your parents. Children were respectable of adults, they listened then walked off and mumbled..
I always tried to fashion myself after my mother, I taught myself to speak with less intensity to vowels and became conscience of how I dragged a word out. Representing myself in a befitting manner grew as I began to raise my own children. I still had a couple of tongue twisters for awhile, which my children loved to repeat, it helped to correct those left overs. I changed myself for improvement, I didn't accept flawed pronunciation and half voiced words, or continued to pronounce words in the manner I did as a child, as if I had no concept that I was speaking improperly.
Moving north was scary and frighthening, we were one in a million of our kind. I'm glad my children were able experience another side of life and learned to speak or grew up speaking with a northern dialect. That's why some of my escaping draw tickled them. Don't get me wrong, I want to be known as a southerner, I love the south. The point I'm trying to make is that it's important to correct imperfection and improve mannerism. Environments aren't always perfect, everything has room to be critiqued a little.
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I consider myself in this neighborhood by default, which is dissolution of marriage. But, as a whole I'm here because I didn't upgrade myself in the work field or further educate myself enough to be considered for a job where I had no related skill. I'm here because I didn't fight for equal rights in my marriage, I failed to make demands on myself. I refused to see myself as a capable woman. I didn't provide an alternate system to replace the original in case of change. I'm here for every reason I failed myself
When something went wrong I fell flat because I didn't provide myself with a strong support system. I allowed destruction of my self esteem, I didn't pursue a higher education, I only worked part time jobs and settled for being a housewife while letting the man handle everything. My confidence was always shakey or teetering back and forth. I didn't push myself to do better or to be better after I lost myself and related only to being a mother and wife.
My ex-husband got the house, I couldn't afford to keep the house after my extended stay for the sake of the minor child, who would be of age in six months later. I managed to get part time jobs to supplement the child support payments which helped me to pay the mortgage. After that I was out of a home because I lacked the necessary skills to get a job that would have helped me to possess ownership.
I lived with two daughters at different times, then I came to this place to keep from living where I was making the lifestyle ove rcrowded. This place is my mother's house, she moved here before things became as bad as they are. My brother has lived in the house for decades, I've been here nearly eight years. We have never experienced neighbors like these.
Of course they aren't the worse people to live next to despite annoyances.
Maybe when they can at least see the error of their ways, we'll be good
neighbors. I don't know what it is about me and my brother that they
immediately disliked. We stressed our opinion in hopes that we were
dealing with mature minded reasonable people. I guess everything we
said was taken as a personal attack and criticism, instead of
approaching the matter from a logical point of view.
What really gets to me is the mutilation of my car, it has been keyed and
scratched several times. I can't say with absolute surety who has desecrated
what's left of it's fading gold color. However, I do know for a fact that these
episodes didn't occur until those people moved next to me. I thought if I
moved my can unto the main driveway and off the grassy section between
our homes, the problem would cease. Regrettably, my car couldn't escape
children on bicycles, scooters, skates and running amuck as if they were
in a public park.
Now that their father has shown his true colors, and let me know without a doubt
that he supports invading my property, I will do everything I can to ignore their
presence. I'll come and go without having to see them as much as possible.
Unfortunately, I can't opt out of hearing the nuisiance of their noisy life.
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